Jicama = Perfect Weapon Against Terrorism

Recently I read an article boasting how eating a cup of jicama could boost post-workout calorie burning by 30 percent. My naive, "far-too-gullible-for-my-own-good, wanna-believe-that there's-a-magical, non-life-threatening-cure-to weight loss" side takes over and I find myself searching for this mysterious stranger in the produce section. What I find is a onion-shaped, potato looking thing and toss two unblemished wads into my basket. I breeze through the market to acquire the usual suspects: fresh spinach, tomatoes, apples, watermelon, cantaloupe, Greek yogurt, assorted berries, nuts, DHA-enhanced milk, chicken, celery, some grains, and yes, sadly, I'm overcome by the plethera of tasty samples as I make my way to the register, so in go a few small hunks of outrageously expensive cheese. I somehow justify the indulgence by measuring my incredibly-healthy to indulgent ratio and walk confidently to the checkout.

I'm not sure why this always seems to happen, but I somehow get the feeling that the over-worked, under-paid, overly criticized checkout person is judging me by the contents of my cart. The items fly past the red laser beam and I'm astonished when the cashier asks me what these strange bulbs are. Suddenly I find myself wondering the same question...what the heck are these things again? "Oh, they're JIMACAS, " I mutter. Thankfully she does not question my pronounciation or lack of produce knowledge and finds the correct code on her cheat sheet. Whoa- these two, softball shaped aliens just set me back a whopping $6.86! I'm somewhat of a tightwad when it comes to grocery shopping...how could I have let that price per pound slip by???

As I unload and sort the abundant haul, I glance sadly at the jicamas. Did I really just spend seven bucks on something that doesn't look at all enticing and I have no idea how to prepare? The jicamas sit on the counter, haunting me for a few days. I try to recall the recipe that encouraged me to buy these blasted things in the first place, but, as usual, I have tossed the magazine out with the trash and now, just when I NEED it, it's nowhere...but, I digress (my obsession w/ saving recipes is an entirely too lengthy topic to get into now - it deserves its own blog).

All I can recall is that the jicamas are peeled, grated and tossed with lime juice. Whew - got that covered. I convince the young one to assist me in the kitchen, as I know this will take some time. We spend roughly an hour in the "room of doom," as I not so fondly refer to as the kitchen. Young one has a healthy lunch of homemade whole grain honey cornbread, chicken, broccoli, quinoa and watermelon (these foods not touching, of course, since he's a wee one) for lunch. I am practically bursting at the seam to taste this jicama lime slaw that I've whipped up when I'm interrupted by our aging 90-pound German Shepherd. This old sweet dog has failing hips so I need to carry her down the steps so she can "take care of business." When the deed is done, I shuffle her back up, make sure she is comfortable and head back to the kitchen. Then it dons on me...wait, it wasn't much of a workout, but I think I just exerted enough energy by hauling that enormous, uncooperative dog around to constitute an exercise session...perfect! Now I can enjoy my jicama slaw and reap the extra 30 percent weight loss benefits!!!

The two softball sized jicamas made an incredible mountain of grated slaw...so much so that I feared that three limes would not be enough. I scooped a healthy portion into a cereal bowl and transferred the rest to a container for refrigeration. Awww, finally, I savor -

DIRT! I kid you not, this creation tastes like DIRT! The heinous forkful that so greedily shoved into my mouth feels as if its growing. Since the young one is still with me in the kitchen I refill my water glass and try to wash it down.

I get back on the computer to see where I've gone wrong. There are numerous sites describing this wonderful tubor and it's sweet apple-like taste. Apparently jicamas are a staple in South American kitchens...well, for all care, that's where they should stay. Or, even better, I propose that the military use my jicama concoction to fight terrorism...terrorists would be no match if they were forced to eat jicamas day and night.